News has been heavy. More than I can deal with at times.
Yesterday, the end of my Thanksgiving vacation, which was a special time of refreshment and healing in so many ways, a woman and her children were hit with tear gas on the border with the United States. The comments on the local reporting about it were predictably appalling. "Gas them all," said one particularly depraved and heartless individual.
The damaging support of Donald Trump by evangelical church and thought leaders, and the cowardly enabling of fellow churchgoers in their Trumpism by calmly worshipping alongside people who embrace anti-Christ values, is painful. I'm not sure we are in Christianity anymore, Toto. This raging whirlwind is something very sinister, demonic, and perverse.
I hit a wall yesterday. I cried a bit, I yelled a lot, and I concluded that my block in writing anything was probably for the best. I have nothing to say that family and friends in the evangelical community will really listen to anyway. It's far easier to call me a heretic or angry and pray for me than to listen and acknowledge being part of a system that harms.
I was a foreigner in the UK because of evangelical missions, and I experienced bullying at school and abuse in a variety of ways, including in the church, for being so. To come back to the place I thought was my country and not be heard is therefore quite painful. But I have an outsider's perspective that I think remains valid.
Having experienced the mess that was yesterday, and the resultant depravity of my fellow citizens, many of whom identify as evangelical Christians, I am going to write what I believe needs to be said out loud. I aim however to target as my audience a different group than I had originally hoped.
You see, I had hoped that American Christians would want to read what I have to say. But honestly, it is no longer worth it trying to help that subculture understand folks like me. My target audience will instead be fellow victims of all this evangelical toxicity. People who can handle a few choice words and understand the heart behind them rather than dissect them for the backslidden-ness of the author. Maybe a few of my British friends who see the problems with evangelicalism and Americanity will also enjoy reading my thoughts.
But no more of this nonsense pining for a humble evangelical church in America. There is almost zero chance of that in the current nationalistic climate. American evangelicals my whole life have had pat answers for everything and shown understanding of very little, whether culturally, historically, relationally or politically. Their worldview is deeply shallow. Even the best among them still seem to retain some beliefs that are not in line with reality or that enable abuse.
Those of us healing from toxicity must sort through the lies and find our freedom in truth, no matter where that may lead us.
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